This was written on December 11, 2014, but looks like it never got posted. It may be redundant. I’m not editing it though. I need to move on to my newest post 🙂
It never ends. No matter how far you go, the dysphoria doesn’t stop. 15 years ago… when I got clothes, it helped. But I wanted more. I still didn’t feel at peace with myself. Then I went out dressed. It helped, but didn’t fix things. I still was just as miserable. Then I tried self harm as kind of a fantasy that I could self feminize myself. It didn’t help. It scared me, so I went to a LGBT friendly therapist who eventually wrote my letter so I could go get hormone therapy. Again, as much as I thought it would fix things, it didn’t. I still was not a female. The hormones certainly gave me some peace because I didn’t have testosterone running my life, but they didn’t fix me. I wanted more. I began to go out dressed more often, and was determined to become a girl. And yet the whole time, I became more and more disenchanted and more angry with God, with those who loved me, and blamed my own unhappiness on others around me, and on God.
Then, something happened. I began to feel really uneasy about things. It was like God was trying to tell me to stop. But I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to be a girl. And I kept going out dressed, and stayed on HRT. I felt this continuous nagging feeling that I wasn’t doing something right. It made things difficult. I was becoming more and more depressed because of the incongruity of my desires to be female and the nagging feelings that it wasn’t what God wanted. I became suicidal. I was so so so alone. I knew that I couldn’t become a real girl where I could become a mother and bear children, and I desperately wanted to have a family and kids. I could become like unto a girl, but I couldn’t actually ever be one. And eventually I realized that God was missing from my life. Or rather, I was missing from God’s life. Certainly, He doesn’t need me to keep the world revolving, but I needed Him to keep my world going. I was so miserable and unhappy. I look back and realize that this wasn’t something that happened quickly. It happened over the course of months and years. But I eventually prayed that He would free me from this. Or somehow help me to find happiness; -whatever way He wanted. It was only when my desire was to find happiness and peace of mind in life any way possible that my heart opened and I began to feel the most minuscule sliver of hope in life. It was when I opened my heart up to God giving me happiness in whatever way He wanted that I began to realize there is hope in life. Another path might actually exist for me.
The dysphoria doesn’t stop. It never does no matter how deep in I go. I honestly don’t think that if I were to have gone through with any surgeries that it would not have helped. I really believe that. Now keep in mind, that me believing that doesn’t mean that I still don’t wish at times that I were a woman. And I still sometimes want the surgeries. But I realize deep down that they won’t stop the dysphoria. The surgeries won’t make me happier. Happiness is not something that comes from outside of me, or what other people do to change my body or my surroundings. I think of it as a gift that has to be given from within, and only I can give it to myself. I have to learn to find it. AND… I can’t shove the GID away. I have to bring it with me. I have to learn to love me with my GID. And I haven’t been able to do it super well in life, but I’m learning. It’s something I’m working on, and that type of self care helps me so much! I am able to exist in life now without needing to go out dressed. I’ve been off of HRT for about 2 years now. Do I miss the way the hormones made my body feel physically? Surely. But I don’t need hormones for me to feel at peace within myself.
My thoughts on GID are that it doesn’t go away. Yet I can live a meaningful life where I’m trying to do God’s will without acting upon my feelings or desires to be a woman. For me I realize that I need to stay as far away from the line as possible. Gender dysphoria is like an illusion of grandeur that is not, cannot, and will never be satisfied. The devil’s pretty conniving with this stuff. I mostly feel grateful and blessed that I’m trying to live more as God would want me to. And I’m not very good at it, because I still have times where I hate being male. I still have times where I almost throw my hands up in the air and give up, but it’s at those times that my Father in Heaven always steps in and places something really good in my path to help me along, to make it a little farther.
My strongest thoughts right now are that my goals should be to stay as far away from the line as possible. And that seems to be the only way to have success. For me, I feel like that line needs to be to not transition. No HRT. No crossdressing. No fantasizing of being the opposite sex. And yet I realize that I have a long way to go. I’ve successfully
GID & Not Giving In - one person's happy existance 