This is not my best blog posting… but it’s 100% honest where I am right now… some days I’m strong and can hang on balancing my life while lovingly bringing along the transgender me… other times it’s not so easy. But I guess we all have a tendency to only write about the happy happy happy moments while purposely averting our eyes and never recognizing the hard times. Right now’s a rough time, and I’m accepting it and writing about it… and sharing it. Sorry to anyone who reads this thinking that this is a more inspirational posting than it is… but I think I should post when I’m having a rough time as well as good times, so those who are struggling can see that yes, I do struggle, and yes it does get better over the years:
It’s been hard recently. I don’t know why. I only know that I am in such pain because I have boy parts instead of girl parts. I don’t see a reason to keep trying to stay a guy. It is just incapacitating for me to stay this way. I hate my body, I hate myself. I hate that I want to be a girl, and don’t want to be a guy. I hate that I feel so unworthy to date girls. I feel so worthless and ashamed to be even here as a guy in a society where it seems the only things valued of men are temple worthy guys who are married with children. And I don’t want to be a man. I just want to be a woman. It doesn’t seem right when I look down!!! The parts aren’t what they should be!!! I realize that I might not ever be wanted by anyone to date me if I go through with surgery and full transition, but I also realize I can’t function in life all too often!!! I want to cry but can’t… I just don’t know how to handle this at times like this. And I also can’t accurately describe how dark and disturbing this stuff feels when I’m at a time when nothing seems to work to take away the transgender pain. I feel like I’m in a cave that I can’t see anything but my wrong parts on my body, and at that moment nothing could possibly help besides being a girl. It seems like at those times I would only find peace if I had a vagina and breasts and then I wouldn’t have any male urges anymore and then I’d be at peace with my body and it would be easier to live a more peaceful happy existence. I would feel pretty and valued as a human being instead of another useless worthless guy. By the way… side thought. I honestly feel that as a guy society shoves me down over and over and over and tells me I’m worthless and an idiot just because of that. I hate that. Maybe that’s how I’d feel as a woman… seems like feminists have unknowingly or maybe knowingly repressed men now when the only original intent was enabling women to be equal. Now I feel women are so superior to men that I sometimes hate men. I also see men as kind of useless… yeah… insights into my idiosyncrasies.
I think that I’m in pain because of unseen emotions but the pain is still very much there… and I feel it acutely. I know it because I woke up multiple times last night realizing each time I woke up that I was still a guy and wishing that I’d wake up from this bad dream of life. I forced myself to go back to bed still miserable. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far without killing myself. I’m not suicidal like I was several years ago, but I also feel that I’m not enjoying life almost at all. I realize that I’m just not happy. When I was younger, even into my mid twenties, I was a very happy go luck smiley individual. I was just a happier person than I am now, and I miss that. I miss loving my job, and loving interacting with people around me. I feel so alone right now. I think I felt alone with my gender dysphoria in the past but I was keeping really busy with positive productive things, so I was overall fairly content and happy. I am fairly physically active now, but not nearly as much as I was before… I haven’t seriously inline speedskated in years now… maybe I should start again?
I guess that’s something… I hate my job. I’ve been working on what I can do to change that though… I’ve had a hard time selling my business though. I feel like I can’t walk away from it without selling it… but maybe I should ask the question why can’t I just walk away? I feel stuck in limbo where I am trying to sell the business and find a couple more to start… I also feel stuck in a place where I meet great girls and I’m pretty sure they like me, but I don’t know how to really even do much about it because I’m so submissive and passive about things that I feel like I’m trying to place myself in a female role instead of a male role dating, so I don’t seem to move forward at all. It’s like it gets only so far dating anyone, and then I reach this impasse. I can’t seem to buckle down to seriously want only one girl after my heart was ripped to shreds after dating ********. That dumb b**** never could tell me she wasn’t that into me… just kept letting me get dragged along… I tried to do anything and everything I could for her but could never make her happy with me. I guess good lesson to be learned. Never ever date someone who isn’t that into you. It only leads to bitterness and heartache.
What seems to help? Kinda a hidden thing… reading the scriptures, praying, being open and honest with both myself and God. That’s hard sometimes. I know it helps me a lot. I have been trying to be honest with Him about telling him when I hate myself or want to quit or am depressed or am in the darkest places… and it seems that He always pulls through at those times and helps me… but when will I pull out of the darkness? It is so exhausting!!! 😦 I’m so tired of dragging my sorry butt all the time to do things because I’m so unmotivated. My gender is wrong. My job sucks. I have a bunch of employees that constantly don’t show up or don’t do their jobs. I just can’t take all the stresses at once. Or maybe I can, and that’s why I’ve made it as far as I have. I have made it to now, and God has gotten me to where I am. Or has He? Have I? Well, I’m sure there is a God, I believe it anyway. I know when I’ve been more in tune with Him, I’ve overall been more happy and the other life stresses aren’t so crazy and become more bearable.
Maybe that is the counter intuitive universal truth that we all too often can’t see. Look to God and live. Don’t look to God, and die. Well, maybe not die, but be super miserable and unhappy. So when the children of Israel looked upon the serpent they lived… if they didn’t, they died. And maybe that’s what I have to do now… look to God – to Jesus Christ with full purpose of heart to live and find peace and it will come. But how? How to look with full purpose of heart? I seem to read and pray daily but I don’t feel like I’m making much headway. I do feel peace when I place my overall focus on God and what He wants. I can feel it right now as I’m typing that that is the right way. As I turn to God I’ll be blessed. As I don’t, I’ll keep being lost. But it seems for me that as I turn to Him things get easier. As I don’t they get harder. But I see others who are trying to turn to God and live their transgender lives and changing sexes, and I keep trying to go down that path and can’t do it. Every time I try to go down that path that seems so shiny and pretty and that will certainly make me feel more whole and put together I get miserable. I just don’t want to be a guy though!!! Argh.
Met with my therapist a week ago, and had the hardest session I’ve ever had with him. We were working on life span integration to work on emotional trauma from the past. Ever since then I’ve had a really really rough time coping in life. I think I’ve heard that you’re on the right track to progress when you get into such hard emotions like this… but it sucks.
And yet as hard of a time as I’m having right now… I know things will get better and in a few days or a week or two I’ll be in a much better place because I know God will help me.
Sorry to anyone who reads this because I feel like it’s such a downer post. Ask me in a few hours or days after I’ve vented current feelings, and I’ll probably be a lot more positive. Thank goodness for climbing and dancing… they are life savers at times like this…